Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
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absolute chaos
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
tell em, edith-anne
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”