Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
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If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”