ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
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If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.