ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

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TSA: here try again
TSA: here try again
TSA: here try again
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.


That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button


The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”


getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks


Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then


I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.


Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink


Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.


Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .


Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.