Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Introverted vegans go meetless
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
A little too much information.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.