Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
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If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.