Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.