Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then