Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.