Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Finally a use for spoilers…
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
favorite tropes as memes
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music