ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
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“I wouldn’t.”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Natty or not?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”