@iwearaonesie

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

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@CrockettForReal

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

@GoldenSpirals

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

@stuckinaportal

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

@caithuls

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

@junejuly12

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

@KalvinMacleod

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

@mattytalks

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

@VerbsRProudest

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

@mommajessiec

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!