Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
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officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
ok this is my dumbest yet
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card