@FrenulumBreve [homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
@xLiserx Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
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@FrenulumBreve 
@evidentlyblonde Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
@robfee Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
@BSdumbjokes Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
@jilli212 Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
@ghostkrogh america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
@TeaPainUSA Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
@daemonic3 Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
@TheTweetOfGod Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
@nevernicethings If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.