@SteveDutzy Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
@KyleMcDowell86 ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
You Might Also Like
@SteveDutzy 
@handsforkeys Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
@_elvishpresley_ Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
@SeesawLicker My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
@beefman138 Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
@ArfMeasures HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
@weinerdog4life I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
@TheAlexNevil CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
@AliPlumb I unironically love this joke.
@david8hughes Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.