ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

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Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.


Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW


My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.



Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.


HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything


I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.


CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.


Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.