ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My first son he is wonderful
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I have so many questions.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.