@KyleMcDowell86

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

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@SteveDutzy

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

@_elvishpresley_

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

@SeesawLicker

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

@ArfMeasures

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

@weinerdog4life

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

@TheAlexNevil

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

@david8hughes

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.