Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat