Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
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The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
H: Please leave Home Depot.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Proctology is located in A55
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.