ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!