Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
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My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
those birds must be on payroll
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?