Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
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Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.