me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
No, he would not have.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.