@ghostkrogh

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

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@CrockettForReal

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

@ClassADude

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

@clichedout

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

@BuckyIsotope

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

@BrosefWtheMosef

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

@capnwatsisname

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

@DevilryFun

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?