me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

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No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting


Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.


My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.


When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.


Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart



POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?


If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally


[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture


Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?