@CrockettForReal No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
@ghostkrogh me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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@CrockettForReal 
@ClassADude Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
@clichedout My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
@BuckyIsotope When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
@JustCallMeFrank Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
@BrosefWtheMosef Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
@Jake_Vig POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
@AlisonAgosti If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
@capnwatsisname [after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
@DevilryFun Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?