No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Update and restart
Me: I’d like to restart
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?