Me checking my bank balance online.
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Liquor Store Parking
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Message from the dog groomers
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
i wish i could marry a nap
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*