Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”