Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
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Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.