me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
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My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
decorating my apartment
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way