me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
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Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
#Caturday
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
When someone says you are so lazy
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.