Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.