me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
all that yoga finally paid off
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.