me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
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Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink