me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
are there any atheist mantises?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
how was your vacation
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases