Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
You Might Also Like
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Still cracks me up
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.