Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
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It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Husband of the year 😂
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Florida man
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*