me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
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Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.