Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
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God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Sharon, call the vet
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.