me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
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Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me trying to “trust the process”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.