ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.