Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
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[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Iâm gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
When youâre friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. đ
âDrinking water successfullyâ is out
âDrinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god youâre sitting and the pants got hit tooâ is in
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and Iâll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My career as a mortician ended when I couldnât hear the word succumb without giggling.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of itâs old questionable tweets
âItâs just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.â
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
To combat the sibling rivalry thatâs been occurring at home, weâve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially theyâre just taking it outside.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?