Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
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My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?