Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
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CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
english majors be like furthermore
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Only Americans understand
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.