ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
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[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
back to work
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.