Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*