@JosesLovesYou

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

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@kryzazzy

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

@DrunksWithGuns

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

@mrjohntofu

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

@Social_Mime

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

@panmidwest

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

@SardonicTart

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

@Roweboat13G

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure