@JosesLovesYou
@kryzazzy Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
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@kryzazzy 
@squirrel74wkgn I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
@DrunksWithGuns I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
@mrjohntofu Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
@Social_Mime I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
@panmidwest [pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
@SardonicTart I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
@Roweboat13G ‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
@GoldenSpirals I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
@MarfSalvador *Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*