Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
You Might Also Like
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
rapatouille
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco