Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
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if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
This meal prepping shit easy
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti