Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
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(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.