Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do