Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“HELP WITH CAT”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
The news
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
my retirement plan is braless