[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
You Might Also Like
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
What the hell happened here.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?