Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
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I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
same energy
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.