Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
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I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that