me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
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*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
they finally got him. they got macavity
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.