Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
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I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Born to be mild.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!