Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?