Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
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Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.